leaveten's Diaryland Diary

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5.04.06

old. but best unedited shit ive ever written. straight from the heart.

She loves you. Cause she's your mother so she obviously loves you. That's what they keep saying and sometimes I wish I was the type of person who would believe it. So anyways, she loves you. She loves you enough to yell at you when you try, because she wants you to try harder. Enough to scream at you when you do what you what and be who you are because you're not good enough and she wants you to be better. Enough to follow previously written excuses of how she wants the best for you and that's why she hits you. But she loves you. She loves you enough to say she doesnt. Enough to yell it out loud for your ears to hear. Enough to stand there and watch you cry as her words pierce through your ears. Enough to laugh when your crying. Enough to literally tell you she hopes you drown in your own tears. But she's your mother, so she must love you. Yeah, she loves you. She loves you enough to ruin you. Enough to make your tears come back so fast, so much, to make you cry so hard you wish you were dead, to make you hate yourself for not wanting to be alive, enough to make you feel discusted at the thought of being an actual person, enough to hear you say all of this and take it with a grain of salt and laugh at you. Enough to call you crazy crazy for how you feel. Enough to make you think you are. Enough to drive you crazy and make it a fault, your fault, that she caused. But she's your mother, so obviously, she loves you. She loves you so much now you've got a problem, so much that now it's too hard to sleep at night and too hard to wake up in the morning. She loves you enough to make you so nervous so much of the time. Enough to make you depressed, agitated, silent, quiet, hateful, and destressed. Enough to know this, and enough to laugh at you because of it. I guess it's love when you're constantly being teased for things you have no control over. I guess it's love when your scared to be in your own skin cause she made you hate her so much you hate yourself. I guess it's love when it gets hard to breath, sleep, or eat, I guess thats love. I guess it's love when she cuts you and makes you clean up the blood. I guess it's love when it's late at night and you have the image of her banging your head against the fucking wall so deeply imprinted in your mind you cant get it out. I guess it's love when you think you hate her. I guess she means well when she says she hates you. I guess it's love when she threatens you, when she yells at you, when she calls you worthless, useless, pointless so many times that you start to believe it. That's love. That's love in a nutshell when she hurts you. Its love when she says she wish you weren't even there. Its love when you find yourself crying for no reason and realize the reason is you cant get the images out of your head. If this is love.. then yeah.. I guess she loves me.

8:28 pm - 04-12-07

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