leaveten's Diaryland Diary


social anxiety.

my plan was to ignore problems. my plan was to be less serious. my plan was to "compromise" but really i turned into what you wanted me to be. i'm scared of missed opportunities. i'm scared of being alone. and i hate the word lonely. and what happens when problems arise? what happens when the same problems come back up? because ignoring things doesn't really make them go away. i want to change who i am so i can be more like you & them & everyone else want me to be. better yet, i wish it was more okay to be me.

being in the valley just reminds me of everything i've done that i'm not proud of. it reminds me of the people i've drifted apart from that i wish i didn't. it reminds me of the friends i've lost for the ones that didn't deserve me. it reminds me of the people i hate that i run into because this town is so small. my mistakes. my bad judgement. my past. maybe its time to go out of state.

i wish i could tell people that i did what the greats do. i studied my ass off and left and was able to tell everyone that i turned up better than they thought of me. but the truth is i can't keep a promise to myself to save my life. i am trying because i don't want to believe i can't be better than i am.

"we need to stop letting boys define us" you are the object of my affection.

i'm tired of how pathetic i am.

11:46 pm - 07-04-10


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