leaveten's Diaryland Diary


on my mind/becoming jaded

i don't want to give in and lose faith in people. i really don't. i didn't want to end up like that. but i've learned that everyone is so selfish. no one wants to help anyone else. what happened to heart? were people ever really good? or is narcissism just a built in human trait? i'm afraid of losing myself and everything i thought made me different. i only wanted to help others because i believed in them, that we all have so much to accomplish. i don't know if i have anything left to believe in. maybe the reason nice guys finish last is because the world is no place for nice people. maybe to survive we need to let go of all goodness and exploit others for personal gain. i am holding on so tight to whatever lose strings of myself i have left before i fall into someone i never wanted to be.

i'm at a point where i'm starting to become the person i will be for the rest of my life. i'm establishing myself. and i hope to god i am wrong about how disgusting people are, i hope to god that these feelings will wear off and i'll be able to go back to seeing the good in everyone. i hope i don't lose my heart, if that's even possible.

i hate him for doing this to me. i honestly do. he says he hates people and struggles with these same things, when he's just one of what he hates. he's the same. he just doesn't realize it.

6:43 am - 01-09-11


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