leaveten's Diaryland Diary



i jumped into the rabbit hole, or is it more accurate to say i fell? and the whole time i was looking for myself in there, all i found was a world as different as it could be from my own. i thought i found a place i could make myself belong, a place i wanted to belong to, or maybe i just wanted to belong. i spent countless lonely hours fumbling through the dark pretending to know where i was going, but being so obviously lost. eventually it spat me back out and the daylight is beyond blinding. i tried to force myself back in but it won't take me any more.

honestly, i've been realizing so much lately. i'm in this weird space in between who i was and who i will be- and even though it doesn't make sense i'm not who i am. i'm not happy. i'm still determining things. i'm afraid for myself. i'm turning into the type of people i hated, the way i've never wanted to become.

i can't say i didn't see it coming. i kind of did, i just hoped it would work out differently. i'm tired of all the people i'm friends with. i don't want to talk to them any more. almost everyone. sometimes even everyone. i don't want to be involved. i want to pretend this past year never happened and be the person i was before. i was better before. i have no idea what i was doing jumping into all these things i should have never been involved in. i guess it's payback. hello, karma.

12:02 am - 01-12-11


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