leaveten's Diaryland Diary


rest in peace,

i took everything i had, every reason i gave myself, everything i was worried about losing, everything that made me give up your life and my soul and i ruined it. everything i thought you might take from me, i took from myself. every excuse i gave myself, everything i cared more about than you, all the things i thought i loved more than you, i threw it out the window. you paid the price for my selfishness and my weak will but i'll make sure you're not the only one that suffers for my mistakes.

i'll pay the price for every second you could've been smiling, for every feeling you could've felt, every love you could have had, everything you could've touched, all the people you could've met, all the lives you would've changed, the places you would've gone, the steps you would've had the chance to take, the sights you could've seen. i wonder if i ever will meet someone you could've met, and i think about how if i do the both of us will never know how different things could've been.

not a day goes by where i don't sit and wonder what your first words would've been, what your favorite color might've been, where you'd like to spend your time, what would make you happy. i wonder if you'd have my eyes or his, if you'd end up thoughtful like me or smart like him, but no matter what i know you'd be beautiful and it kills me to think just how much.

no one was there to hear your heartbeat but me, he'll never even know you had one, and honestly i doubt he'll care. but he would've cared about you. and as much as everyone says, and i know, i never could've given you the life that you deserve- i still could've given you a life. and i'm sorry that i took that from you. but i promise you won't be the only one punished, and i promise you won't be forgotten. you will live somewhere, even if it is just in my dreams.

it's so loud inside my head, with words that i never said
and as i drown in my regrets, i can't take back the words i never said.

1:18 am - 09-30-11


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