leaveten's Diaryland Diary

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thoughts about me/people drifting apart

i think when people drift apart, they take a part of each other with them. and i think that a lot of the time, without realizing, we drift apart from people who were good for us, so with that they take a good part of us with them- which is why we get that feeling sometimes when we look back on things. the feeling that we miss what was, or when we know we can't have it back.


i have been thinking about old dates with david. and nane said she's never felt the same away about anyone like she did about narek in the beginning, i've never felt the same way either. no one else has ever given me butterflies like that, or i've never had that feeling where i'd just be excited that i saw him or talked to him, that he said "hi" and it's like that's all he had to do. i've never again had a guy that i just didn't worry about. like back then i never had to think about things like oh what if he's just using me, or what if he never talks to me again. i just knew. maybe because i knew i was too young for anything to go that wrong.


i wasn't like those other girls in high school planning my wedding thinking i found the one person i'm going to be with forever. i just didn't think about those things. all i really knew was that i had someone, and things were going good, and that was it. i never put up with the same kind of abuse i think a lot of people did (not like serious abuse, i mean more like fighting every day). we just didn't do that. if something needed to be talked about, we'd talk about it, but i guess neither of us really had the personality to pick at little things, or get jealous, or over analyze.


i was also thinking about how in the beginning i wasn't interested at all. it's not like now where if a guy is an asshole, i want to give him a chance to show me he's not that bad. my mind set was more like ok you're a dick, i'm not, we're not going to get along and i'm not going to make myself look dumb trying.

i think i've just seen/been through so much that maybe i can't stand the thought that there are so many bad people out there. like i want to get to know these guys that come off so harsh and find things about them so that i can think better of them, so the world doesn't have to be filled with so many fucked up people.


i honestly think i take things too seriously. i think most people my age just think that this is life now and things change and if not why worry now. i don't even want things to be wrong now. i want to know now that there are good people and the bad ones are rare and i want to know now that people aren't' going to be using each other to such a harsh degree when we're older and that maturity exists and this is all just temporary.


i like to observe. i like to talk about observations. i like to reread conversations, even meaningless ones, until i've looked at them from every angle possible. i like to see how people talk to each other, even if it's about something irrelevant, because i think that those are the times you get to know someone best. i like to look back at the past and try to notice new things about it, even if the only thing new is how i feel about it. i like to do all of this wallflower stuff because i think people are the only thing i'm good at understanding as much as i say i don't. this is hard to explain, but i know i'll always get it. "you have very good insight". it's like how i realize my effect on people, i'm sensitive like this.


i like it when people notice my observations and can read my emotions, because i don't really speak them too much. you just have to know me well enough so that you know to look in my eyes, or notice the things i do, like when i'm uncomfortable i laugh or get itchy, when i'm bored i yawn a lot, when i'm sad i look away and don't talk, and when i'm happy i am either very observant, or i get lost in thought and i am completely myself without any concern for the behavior/thoughts of others.


when someone is mad at me, or distancing themselves or whatever else- i try my best to bring them back if they are worth it, and if i deserve how they're treating me. even if the second part isn't there, i will still try if i feel like the person is really worth it, but i give up easy. i don't think you should have to chase after people who care about you, they will come back for you.

6:31 am - 10-06-11

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