leaveten's Diaryland Diary


just an update on life

I am still in a relationship. It is difficult, but an amazing gift. Lately I keep comparing it to before and worrying that the past will repeat itself. I think this guy is the one. I thought that before but in an immature kind of way, this time I just feel like I want to make it work. Not the "oh we're meant to be we're so in love" way, but the "I love him and I want to make the right compromises and work through the difficult times because he is worth it" way. There's a difference, just not easily explained. Though I never thought I'd be here with this guy. There is a dark past. I think he has coped with it and moved on, but I haven't yet. I hope I will. Part of me feels like I need to go back to therapy to truly deal with the repercussions of those actions but I'm trying to just help myself deal on my own. I just keep putting it in the past, telling myself I've changed (and I have) and locking it away. I know repression isn't ideal but I feel like I've coped enough and forgiveness is all that is left. I think he's forgiven me now I have to forgive myself. I have to forgive him too, but he is doing so amazing and has changed so much that that just gets easier by the day.

I am applying to graduate school. A part of me wants to write a long paragraph about this to prove that men are not the most important thing to do me but I think I'll just write what's important. I'm figuring out exactly what I want to do with my major, I am finally on track and on top of things, my grades are really improving more and more each semester, I have this new awesome friend that is helping me (and occasionally irritating me) and I'm a whole new me.

I don't drink anymore. It started to make me feel sick. Also, I don't like the loss of control.

My troublemaking past has caught up to me. I can't talk about that. But I did make up for it and I learned a lot. The only bad is it's effect on how I'm seen, the trauma of it all, and the newfound fear I have.

I am irritated with people more and more. I am seeing the bad in everyone. I used to see the good. I promised I'd never become a jaded person and I would always see the good in people so I'm going to work on that.

Me and Preet are now friends again. I'm happy about this. I wish I had more time to dedicate to her but things are very hectic.

I'm learning a lot about life and though I know I can never be perfect, I'm on a lifelong journey striving for perfection. Some of those lessons I've already learned, but slip up so I'm just making those a little better.

I spent summer "renewing" myself, paying for mistakes and coping with the past. I'm better now, but still have work to do.

I've missed my diary.

12:37 am - 11-16-13


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