leaveten's Diaryland Diary



today i found out he's leaving.

i was really mad. i said a lot of things that i don't mean but i thought about it and it was all out of anger. i'm the coward for not wanting him to go, for being afraid we won't stay together. i'm the selfish one for not realizing that this is the best thing for him. i'm the one that's causing the fight. i'm the one not keeping my promise, but for the same reason he didn't keep his: i didn't think i'd have to.

i've come to realize he's so brave for wanting to take this step, to leave behind everything he knows and go somewhere completely alone to accomplish something. i hope that he will find success, whether that means in this field or not. i hope that he finds happiness and he isn't miserable there. i hope he isn't lonely. i hope that he does well and if he doesn't i hope that he's not upset by it and comes back and finds a new path.

our relationship has not been ideal. it's an unusual one that started from strange circumstances. but i love him every day and i learn from him. i want to learn to be brave like him, and embrace change and be eternally hopeful even when things seem hopeless.

earlier, he held me. we didn't watch tv or anything, he just held me and in that moment i wanted to press pause and stay there forever. i wanted to breathe him in and hold on so tight that time couldn't steal him from me.

eleven days and he'll be gone and i'll be alone. he's going to leave me here, but i know he'll always be with him.

1:40 am - 07-25-14


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