leaveten's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- B. Dear anxiety, It feels awkward to write a letter to you. What can I say that you don't already know? I have nothing new to share. Nothing to show you that you can't find. Nothing, even, that you haven't already found. I tried to go back into the house so that I could look for you. Thought maybe instead of a letter I could just talk to you. I tried to imagine what you might look like there, realized I don't have a room for you. But when I look closer, I notice you with the lights on. You're like my shadow but in a different shape. I can't escape you. Even when I shut off the light, you are darker than the darkness and you only seem to grow. I'm not afraid of you, but maybe I should be. I don't know what to tell you, I have nothing new to share, nothing that you don't already know. So I guess I can ask you questions. When did you first find me? You're an invisible figure in all of my early memories. You whisper in my ear and I don't listen but I can't tune you out. When did you start to get so loud? Are you here to protect me? Because if that's true, then why are you the one hurting me? You look familiar sometimes, an amalgam of all the things my mom said I would find in the world. All the things I never did. Did I make you up to prove her right? Sometimes you are right. The things you say: the stakes are high, people are bad, the world isn't fair, I don't have what I need to survive. It's easier to stay quiet. Smile, be smart, be good, pretend, survive. It's not bad advice. The best thing you ever did was show me how comfortable I can be when I'm all alone. In all these spaces I've created in my head, nothing can hurt me. No can make me feel like I'm not enough, not worthy, not lovable. There is always hope in all of my own stories. I can be free. No one to judge me. No one to answer to. No reason to perform. No reason to hide. I found somewhere I can be happy, and I made it up all on my own. I used to think you drove me there, like a nice vacation we would take together. Instead, I think you were the one that made the world seem so unsafe I felt I had to hide. What are you getting out of torturing me? Do you mean well? I wanted to think you do. I have told everyone, and I have been told, that you exist to protect me. Is this really safety though? You have me believing I don't belong anywhere, I can't talk to anyone, I can't ever just be. You are not protecting me, I'm the one protecting you. You live through me and feed on the false beliefs you sold me. I am safer being rejected, abandoned, hurt, hit, violated, and misunderstood. I have survived all of those things. Maybe a little bruised, maybe a couple of scars, but I still survived - actually, I thrived. Would I have really been worse off without your "protection"? You only made me suffer twice. And I would relive any one of those experiences, I would relive them over and over, rather than suffer you. If your job is to protect me, then you have failed. If you are what I need to be protected, I would rather fall. I think I'm angry with you. You tricked me. You don't believe in me. And you are so wrong about me. Maybe there was a time where you weren't. Maybe at one point I was as fragile as you believe me to be. But I am not that person anymore. If I ever did need you, then I have now outgrown you. What separates us? I truly believe that I love myself. And I am an exceedingly anxious person. I am anxious because I care. I am compassionate, smart, brave, conscientious and headstrong because I care. Because the stakes are always high for me. Because it all matters to me. I am okay with being an anxious person. So why do I have a problem with you? I'll stop because I'm not asking you questions anymore. Now I'm just talking to myself. Let's get back to you. It felt silly to write a letter to you - I thought it would be like writing a letter to myself. What can I tell myself that I don't already know? What can I show myself that I haven't already found? I think I see it now, you are not me. There are a lot of things that I know that you don't. I know that I am very resilient, a quality you don't give me credit for. I know the world is often unfair, but that I always land on me feet. I know that sometimes you can have faith in people, that sometimes they will care too. I know that sometimes you can have faith in outcomes, even when you have a history of pretty back luck. I know that even when your trust and faith is misplaced, the door for happiness is never closed, the journey is just not always what you expect or want it to be, and that's okay. I know that I can pick myself up and I have, even when I've fallen the hardest. These are lessons you can't learn because that's just not something you can do. I am growing, and you've stayed the same. I think we should admit that we have outgrown each other. I think that's hard for you to do because you can't exist without me, but I can live without you. But I can't protect you and protect myself from you. I need to be selfish and I need to say good bye to you. I don't think you will listen, I don't think you will leave. But I think it's best I tell you that you are welcome here anymore.
12:38 am - 05-04-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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