leaveten's Diaryland Diary


dirty little secret

being someone no one has to know.

the fact that there's a constant fire around me, and everything i touch turns to dust. i break everything that comes my way and i leave behind a trail. but how could you have expected better from someone so broken already? maybe you wanted to put together the pieces but they've been cracked so much they can't be put back together anymore, parts have been left behind and i don't even know where to look to find them so how can you? or maybe i'm quiet enough that you built me up to be something i'll never really live up to. do i think too little of myself or do you think too much of me? either way we're in different chapters of the same book, rushing to catch up so we can be on the same page not knowing who's ahead and who's still behind. interpretations turn into miscommunications and we're lost again. we were arguing and pulling apart like magnets but i couldn't let it come to a close without a climax. i'm sorry for the crap i left you in, or that my warnings weren't clear enough, that i can never be good enough, i was never built strong enough and this constant hurting is something i'm tired of.

you might think i'm beyond your reach but i'm no where in the distance. i just can't let you touch me, i can't hurt you like that and you don't seem to understand. i have a tendency to hurt everything around me, like an aura of some darkness that's so dark it's blinding and i can't make you stay around that. i can't put you through what i go through because you don't deserve it. i can't make you happy because there's never any happiness around me. i can't give you what you want because i'm not what you want me to be, and i can't let you remember me as someone that hurt you as much as i would. there's nothing good about me, around me, because of me. the best thing i could ever do is let you run while i stay behind and i'm sorry for that. i really, really am sorry for everything i am and i'm sorry i can't be better.

i'm sorry you'll realize it because then i'll just be a memory, i do hope that you'll remember me.

may the bridges i burn light the way.

a: so where does that leave us?
me: i told you, we're on two different chapters of the same book.
a: that's too cryptic for me
me: i don't know where we are. where are you?
a: right next to you, call me when you realize that

11:56 pm - 09-29-11


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