leaveten's Diaryland Diary


still won't be jaded.

I still haven't really cried.

All those good things I thought about you, all those good things I wrote about you, they've morphed into a dysphoric memory. They're the writings on the wall, the scriptures of a past life. The things we had, we've buried deep. The life we expected, no more than a failed experiment. I knew, somewhere deep inside of me, that it didn't make sense, that the past was too big a burden to carry, that the good moments were a small light lost in all the darkness, that the things we did to each other couldn't be undone, the knots couldn't be untied, that stories we told ourselves that we were bent but not broken were only lies to protect ourselves. Our little life together was hanging heavy by a thread, with pieces of string and tattered memories. It was held together by hope. And I wanted so badly to believe in that hope in more than just you, I wanted to believe in us. I had expectations for us. I thought you changed. I thought all the little things that people think before they're hit by disappointment, even the biggest lie we tell ourselves, that we, only we, are different. And you let me down. You weren't who I thought you were, you told lies like they were second nature, you wore a mask that covered not just yourself but our entire life together. Still, I believed in you, and you let me down. But I still won't be jaded. I won't stop believing in people. I won't stop believing I can have everything I hoped you were. I won't let this, or you, do that to me. Because I wouldn't let myself be destroyed by you, I won't let myself be destroyed by your memory. For five long years I wore an ever changing price tag, my worth determined by your treatment. I finally ripped it off.

1:37 am - 10-04-15


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